The 7 Gayest Songs ever recorded by Straight Artists

We here at WorldsGreatestCritic.com aren't homophobic in the slightest, nor are we those obnoxious, self-riteous assholes who say things like "We like the Gays" and feel progressive because we once watched Will & Grace while voting Republican and saying crap like "but Marriage is between a Man and a Woman!" However, we do LOVE a good dichotomy, no matter where it comes from and that's why we find it amazingly hilarious when straight bands and artists go beyond the "Metrosexual" and into the outright Gay to an almost Nightmare on Elm Street 2 level!

But we must be talking about those macho posturing rap guys, right? The ones who are so aggressive they're constantly suggesting other men perform oral sex upon them while constantly "chasing the cat" (or so they say)!Rock and Roll guys wouldn't unintentionally go there, would they?

Hell, no! Why should they bother when, gay straight or bi, they can get hits by just coming out and recording a gay song, every bit as openly as Rupaul!

Like what? Well, like these greatly gay songs recorded by straight bands!

The Beatles started out with their fair share of cover tunes during the early part of their career and none stranger than this cover of this track by The Shirelles which would become Ringo's first recorded lead vocal for the band.

Judging from the subject matter we imagine that conversation might go a little something like

Paul: "I'm not singing it, YOU sing it!"
George: "Like HELL I will, John can sing it!"
John: "Let's give it to RINGO, he'll sing ANYTHING!"
Ringo: "What's that, Fellas? I get to sing something? What's it about?"

See, much like Kiss later did with their cover of the Crystals' "And then [s]he Kissed Me" The Beatles' cover of "Boys" seems to be moving in with a good bit of gender reversal with the "my girl" and "her lips" but quickly shifts back to Shirelles territory when we hit the chorus:

"Well, I talk about boys,
Don't ya know I MEAN boys,
Well, I talk about boys, now,
Aaahhh, boys,
Well, I talk about boys, now,
What a bundle of joy!"

Wow... Ringo seems pretty sure of that. In fact, with the reassignment of the genders in the verse, it's hard not to think Ringo's making out with his lady and then gets distracted while thinking about how much he'd rather be with a guy!

And just in case his lady thinks she might have misunderstood him, he clarifies his intent pretty damned quickly by saying "Don't ya know I MEAN boys"!

Well we do NOW, Ringo! We do NOW!

Even Paul McCartney seemed confused when he discussed the cover with Rolling Stone saying " if you think about it, here's us doing a song and it was really a girls' song. 'I talk about boys now!' Or it was a gay song. But we never even listened. It's just a great song. I think that's one of the things about youth - you just don't give a shit. I love the innocence of those days."

Don't we all, Paul?

What starts out as a butt-load of macho posturing in a rap/ nu-metal rhyming duel between Jonathan Davis and Fred Durst quickly turns into a nasty and homophobic rip into each other! This might be more disturbing in its lack of modern sensitivity if it didn't then start to sound more like the more graphic parts of a gay fan fiction porno featuring Korn and Limp Bizkit in an ORGY!

Sample lyrics:

"I'll jack off in your eye"

"Suck my dick kid like your daddy did"

"Gettin' butt-fucked by your uncle Chuck"

"Boy you sure do got a purdy mouth"

All the while Durst and Davis seem to get homophobic every time they realize their insults start to sound like propositions and they shift gears into lines like:

"You little faggot ho"

"You little fairy"

"You're a fag and on a lower level"

And even "Raggedy Ann"

Finally, Jonathan Davis, who has shown he knows better in "words can hurt" songs like "Faget" throws all pretense to the wind and embraces the joke full on as he finishes the song with the lyrics:
"I love you
And I want you
And I'll suck you
And I'll fuck you
And I'll butt-fuck you
And I'll eat you
And I'll lick your little dick..."

Leaving Fred Durst saying only "Say What?"

Yeah, forget what we said above... we're no longer sure if either of these bands is straight!

Here's one of the most famous songs on the list... everybody and their gay aunt knows this one. It's about a guy who spends an evening hooking up with a "girl" who is about to go all Crying Game on him and he realizes she has a schlong just in time... or does he? The lyrics cut off before we actually find out.

But before the song ends we do get these undeniably tell-tale lyrics:

"Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
Except for Lola!"

and
"I'm not the world's most Masculine man
But I know what I am, I'm a man, I'm a man
and so is Lola!"

Unsurprisingly the Ban-Happy BBC did add this classic song by The Kinks to their no-no list, but not for the reasons you might think. In violation of their strict product-placement laws, the BBC had this one removed from the airwaves due to the offending line about "Coca-Cola". Hence the replacement lyrics of "Cherry Cola". And you thought that was a reference to Ray Davies losing his Guy-Virginity!!!

This was the song that every single one of our Dads responded to with "If you ask me all of these glam guys look like ladies! What is this guy singing about himself?"

And to watch the video, you might actually think so... considering the fact that Steven Tyler is not only prancing around in scarfs, a mumu and tights with part of the ass cut out of them but a couple of times in the video he's actually in full on drag, complete with stuffed bra.

Check out the 1:36 mark to see what Steven Tyler looks like in women's clothing! And if that's not enough zoom over to 1:48 for what looks to be, at first glance, a Same Sex Marriage!

Throw in lyrics like:
"She whipped out her gun!"
and
"Never judge a book by it's cover
or who you gonna love by your lover"

And
"Oooh what a Funky Lady! She like it Like it Like it Like That! Oh, he was a Lady! YO... [Indecipherable Tyler-esque Scatting]!"

And it certainly sounds like Steven Tyler might have spent the night with Lola after the Kinks tour had moved out of town.

So what's the song really about? Well, according to the Aerosmith Autobiography, the song is about Motley Crue at the height of their Glam Metal phase looking like women but constantly saying "dude!" Crue bassist Nikki Sixx on the other hand claims that it's not about the whole band, it's only about their singer Vince Neil looking like a woman!

Vince Neil on a THIRD hand says it's actually about he and members of Aerosmith cruising for hot women in pubs with cross-dressing male waiters. Neil didn't mention if he, himself, was one of those cross-dressing male waiters!

"Wait, Wait, Wait!" we can hear you shouting! "David Bowie's not Straight! He's tasted more pricks than that guy from the Guinness Book of World Records who ate the most syringes!"

Yeah, that's what he was saying at the time!

But that was apparent bullshit that he later regretted claiming. I mean, after all, he is married to the hot Shape-shifting Alien from Star Trek VI who even got Shatner hard!

But in his 1972 song "John I'm only Dancing", Bowie seemed intent on proving all of the rumors (especially those he started himself) to be 100% correct!

Here Bowie takes a girl out onto the dance floor while out on a date with his boyfriend but constantly confirms that it's just a dance and that the boyfriend is "everyone who ever cared".

This is in spite of the fact that Bowie was, at the time, married to another fashion model, Angela Bowie, with whom he had already had a son (now-noted film-director Duncan Zowie Haywood Jones). Looks like while Angie is "pretty neat" they sure as fuck weren't "only dancing"!

After years of shocking more people than even David Bowie, Alice Cooper decided he needed some airplay in 1989 so he got every popular glam artist he could together in one studio with writer/ producer Desmond Child and recorded Trash... and to those who find this pop metal record to be among his weakest efforts, the title was self-fulfilling.

Naturally with this many guest vocalists there was bound to be at least a fair share of duets on the record... and none more puzzling than the title track a sexed-up duet with none other than Jon Bon Jovi.

While most of the song comes off like an ode to one of some big-haired, aerobicized and sleazy-hot women from either one of their music videos the song goes all the way around the bend as Bon Jovi and Alice start to get suggestive with each other like a prototype for the Durst/ Davis orgy of "All in the Family".

First Bon Jovi asks "How low can you go?"
To which Alice responds with the reassuring "LOW!"
Bon Jovi then gets more daring and inquires "If my love was like a lollipop would you LICK IT?"
Alice confirms this in the resoundingly positive "Until you get to the Chewy Center!"

Meanwhile the hot-yet-sleazy girl they were both originally propositioning has already walked away, clearly not realizing the Golden Rule:
"It's not Gay, when it's in a Three-Way!"

While doing research for this article Nelson's song bounded out of the closet and presented itself to us in full on leather chaps and screamed "I am the Motherlode and I am FABULOUS!!!"

And it is! Willie Nelson has always been an iconic enigma in Country Music! Who else could possibly step out in a pink silk shirt, too-tight wranglers AND braided pigtails and still appear to be so undeniably masculine? Maybe a pro-wrestler or two, but that's all we can speculate!

This song not only tops the list but may be the gayest song ever recorded. Sorry ABBA, Wham and Frankie Goes to Hollywood combined!

Originally written in the 1980s during the "Urban Cowboy" days by Country singer Ned Sublette (and sounding like a blueprint for Brokeback Mountain) Willie got a hold of the tune backstage at a Saturday Night Live show and said "it was the funniest goddamn song I'd ever heard." He played it for friends over the years but never found the right time to record and release it as a single. That is until, of course, the release of... what else? Brokeback Mountain at which point Willie decided "it just seemed like a good time to kick it out of the closet."

And if you think that statement takes subtlety and violates it like a cheap date behind a 7/11, check out some of these LYRICS!

"Well, a cowboy may brag about things that he does with his women,
But the ones who brag loudest are the ones that are most likely queer.
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other!
What did you think those saddles and boots was about?
There's many a cowboy who don't understand the way that he feels towards his brother,
Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out."

Nelson, for his part, claims that very few people are getting riled up about performing "the first LGBT-themed mainstream country song by a major artist" and, actually, this is kind of par-for-the-course for the super-masculine cowboy with the braided pigtails, super-tight jeans and pink silk shirt. But what about the song's writer? Well here's the extra kicker... Ned Sublette is straight too! Yep, Sublette wrote the song while living above a gay country bar in a small New York apartment... with his wife!

Yes sir-ee BOB, Sublette (who wrote the song with Willie Nelson's voice in mind, over 25 years before Willie recorded it) composed this number about the thriving gay culture in New York as a celebration of the imagery and iconography of the gay cowboys!

Hell, at least Ned Sublette was cool, progressive and enlightened back in the early 1980s. It took two and a half decades before everybody else caught up. Well... some of us, anyway!

Alan Booth is the pseudonym of a parody-prone writer who has been slumming it of late.
He could be found at Facebook, Twitter or any number of other whacked out sites if he wanted to be found... but he doesn't.

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